


Is This It?

by Little_Crickett



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic, Drinking, Drugs, M/M, Partying, the dark year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 11:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9722267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Little_Crickett/pseuds/Little_Crickett
Summary: Takes place in 2012 during Dan and Phil's dark period. Phil is trying to keep his relationship alive to no avail. After another big fight Dan leaves their home and Phil takes time to think about where this relationship is going. Loosely based on The Arctic Monkeys - Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High





	

**Author's Note:**

> I usually never write angst but I this song came on the radio and inspiration struck me. I hope it reads well. Read and review! :)

Winter 2012

 

It started back in February when one glitch of technology was the catalyst that sent Dan reeling. Nothing had meshed with them since then. It was supposed to be a sweet thing, a romantic thing, a thing no one but Dan was supposed to see. Instead, it was the very thing that was ripping them apart. 

 

The “phans” had become more aggressive. Mobbing Dan and Phil whenever they went out in public, worse so when they were together. Nowadays he and Dan rarely went out together. Dan was dead set on being two separate entities. If a mutual friend had a party they arrived and departed separately. Even friends who held a secret oath of silence on Dan and Phil’s relationship were beginning to believe this was the end. 

 

Dan skulked around, keeping a healthy distance from Phil while doing media or anything they had to do as a unit. He had a black cloud swallowing him. If a fan requested a picture his smile was hollow and eyes were screaming  _ just leave me alone _ . 

 

Ever the introvert, Dan didn’t crave the fame. He didn’t want photo sets of his weird facial expressions created. He didn’t enjoy the lengthy and complex conspiracies created around him and his friends. He hated the raunchy fan created works of art. He just wanted to be alone and anonymous. 

 

Phil was dealing with his love’s new temperament as best he could. Even if it seemed they were alone, Phil no longer snuck kisses or held his hand outside their home. At Dan’s request, Phil stopped mentioning him in videos or live streams and Dan only participated occasionally. Phil did what he could to keep their relationship alive inside their cozy cave. The only place where Dan’s hobbit hair and Phil’s mature language lived. Their personas were dropped inside their home when the cameras were off. The didn’t have to be DanandPhil they could just be Dan and his long term boyfriend Phil.  

 

Unfortunately, even this wasn’t enough for Dan anymore. He started sleeping in his own room again. He woke up and ate breakfast and returned to his room before Phil stirred. Dan would go hang out alone with friend’s Phil had only met once or twice. Phil tried to make special dinners, that Dan picked at with weak smiles. Phil tried sensual back rubs and vows of secrecy, but Dan shied away from his touch The chants of Phangirls echoing in his brain.  _ PHAN IS REAL. I KNEW IT. PHAN IS REAL.  _

 

Wasn’t anything sacred? How did these people manage to dig up and screenshot anything he had ever tweeted, photographed, or recorded? Dan deeply wished he could just ignore his past like any normal human instead of seeing it plastered all over the internet. 

 

After months of trying to keep things healthy and alive, Phil gave up. Deciding to leave his 21 year old nearly-ex-boyfriend alone. It was after another fight when Dan slammed the door and went out into the drifting snow that Phil lost it. Though he and PJ weren’t as close anymore due to conflicting schedules and creative styles, he was the only person he could think to call. The only person who had been there since the start.

 

“Hello?” PJ answered the ten p.m. phone call. 

 

“Hey, Peej. Can you come over?” Phil asked, his voice gruff with uncried tears. PJ knew this wasn’t a social call.

 

“Yeah, mate. What’s up?” PJ was already putting on his shoes and grabbing his keys when Phil answered. 

 

“I think this is it.” 

 

“Oh, damn. I’m on my way.” PJ hung up. Twenty five minutes later PJ was standing on Phil’s welcome mat with a sorrowful expression and two six packs.  

 

“Hey, sorry for calling you so late. Thanks for coming over.” Phil opened the door wider and PJ stepped in past him. 

 

“No worries. So, where is Dan?” PJ asked as he set the drinks on the counter and handed one to Phil. 

 

“How the hell should I know? He doesn’t tell me anything anymore.” Phil said bitterly. He took a drink of his beer and looked at his mismatched stripey socks. 

 

“Ouch.” PJ said. The pair was silent for a moment. 

 

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this, PJ. I really don’t. He’s so hot and cold. When he wants me I can’t pry him off with a crowbar but when he doesn’t...it can be days before he even touches me again. I don’t know what I did.” 

 

“I don’t know if you did anything.” PJ offered unhelpfully. The two migrated to the living room. They sank into the couch and Phil turned on an old episode of Buffy. Comfort television. 

 

“So, what happened?” PJ said quietly after a few minutes of vampire slaying. 

 

“I don’t even remember how it started.” Phil laughed without humor. “Something about me not switching the laundry over to the dryer this morning so all his clothes were still wet. Then one thing led to another and, like, fifty two fights were happening at once! It ended with me asking why he was ashamed of me and him yelling that I allowed  _ this  _ to happen.” Phil motioned wildly to the house. “I don’t know what  _ this  _ even is. Our relationship? He cannot possibly be blaming me for the success of his channel, can he? That’s bonkers.” 

 

“He’s a baby.” PJ said after a minute. 

 

“Huh?” 

 

“Mate, he’s 21. Most 21 year olds are in the final year of Uni, having one night stands, and trying to figure out who they are. He’s a baby with half a million people following his every move. It’s enough the drive anyone mad.” PJ watched Phil’s face twist in confusion and frustration. “Who were you at 21?” 

 

“I was a nobody in university making youtube videos for fun…” Phil was picking at the soggy label on his green bottle.  

 

“And I can almost guarantee no one was making x-rated art about your sex life.”  PJ said pointedly. “Now, I’m not advocating his behavior. He’s being a mega cunt.” 

 

“Yeah,” Phil sighed. 

 

“I warned you this would happen” PJ said playfully. “This is what happens when you fall in love with teenagers from the internet.”

 

“Don’t say it like that, you knob!” Phil chuckled and swatted his friend with a pillow. “To be fair you’re only 22.” 

 

“Yeah, but I’m class act with A+ coping skills.” PJ winked. 

 

Across town Dan was sitting on a friend of a friend’s living room couch. It was saturday night and a house party was throbbing around him. Dan was on his third drink. The music was too loud and the bodies were moving too fast. Nearby he saw a few people passing a joint between them. Dan ran his hand through his curling hair and was about to stand up when a young woman dropped on the sofa beside him. 

 

“Hey, there.” She said in a languid voice. 

 

“Hi,” Dan tried a smile but his face didn’t comply. 

 

“Are you-?”

 

“Dan is not on fire? Yeah, but no pictures tonight. Can I sign something instead?” Dan sighed.

 

“Woah, ego monster.” the blonde haired young woman giggled. “I know who you are but I was wondering if you were finished with your drink. I want to get you another one.” 

 

“Oh, shit. My bad. Yeah, I would love one.” Dan blushed. The woman’s greenblue eyes were twinkling in a familiar way. She was gorgeous, absolutely anyone would think so. 

 

“C’mon then.” She took his hand and pulled him over to a 10 gallon jug filled with vodka, rum, fruit, and orange juice. It was called Fog Juice. Aptly titled because after a single cup your entire life is foggy. “I’m Quinn.” 

 

“Dan...but you already knew that.” Dan smiled and took the drink she was offering. 

 

“Why do you look so sad, pretty boy?” Quinn asked softly as they headed back to the sofa. 

 

“Life.” Dan laughed bitterly. “Got into a huge fight with my….roommate.” 

 

“Oh, that goofy guy you used to do videos with?” Quinn said. 

 

“Um, yeah.” Dan was too foggy to fully defend Phil. “Just life stuff.” 

 

“How far from real life do you want to get tonight?” Quinn’s voice was sultry and her hand was on Dan’s thigh. Little did Dan know this was her house and her party. She was the friend of the friend that Dan when to university with. Quinn heard rumors that her flatmate was old friends with that hottie from youtube and couldn’t not act on it. 

 

“Pretty far.” Dan smiled. 

 

“You sure?” Quinn asked one last time. 

 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded and followed her over to the corner where people were getting high. 

 

Back in his apartment, Phil was still talking with PJ. The two had been drinking for a few hours and kept rambling about everything under the sky.

 

“I really want to make my own movie.” PJ gushed, five beers in. “But I just don’t think the world is fully ready for my mind.”

 

“PJ on the loose!” Phil giggled. “I don’t know what I want to do. I think I want to do more than youtube, eventually. I just don’t know what.”

 

“ Hey, how’s Chris?” Phil asked after getting up to pop in another DVD. 

 

“Good, as far as I know. We talk occasionally. But things are still weird for us.” PJ shrugged. The duo actually had dated for awhile, Chris being gay and PJ being bi. But after awhile Chris’s own insecurities had warped their relationship. Their cooling off period turned into a full breakup and Chris left youtube and went MIA for a minute. 

 

“I miss the four of us.” Phil sighed. “Remember back when we were the Fantastic Foursome and life was like, rainbows and unicorns and narwhals all the time?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah I do. It was easier...but it wasn’t forever. Nothing that great can last.” PJ sighed. “Happy memories.”

 

“Happy memories.” Phil agreed. 

 

Around 3:00am, PJ left and Phil was getting into bed. That was when he remembered he left his phone on the counter after PJ first arrived. He got out of bed and went to his phone. When he picked it up he saw four missed calls and two voicemails from Dan. Phil sighed, momentarily considering not answering at all. 

 

“Hey….Phillip.” Dan started out in the recording. “Hey, you. Look...I’m apology. I’m being a twat...but you know what else...” 

 

“Why do you only call me when you’re high?” Phil asked to the empty room through gritted teeth. He skipped to the next voice mail, it was only twenty minutes old. 

 

“Phil.” Dan’s voice was meeker this time...but he sounded more sober. “Phil, I need you. I’m at Jen’s house. I can’t find my shoes. I fucked up. I love you and I’m fucked up. I’m sorry. Phil, please come save me...one more time.” 

 

“Fuck me. God dammit.” Phil’s mind was racing as he called a cab and got dressed. What does  _ I fucked up  _ mean. Did he cheat? Can you even cheat in a nearly dead relationship? In his pajama bottoms and winter coat Phil went into the night to rescue the boy he loved. 

 

At Jen’s apartment he told the cabbie to wait, he wouldn’t be long. Phil walked up the four flights of stairs. He had only been there a few times before, but it was never under great circumstances. Jen was known for being a bit wild. Phil knocked politely on the door, knowing how crazy he must look. When no one answered the door Phil poked his head inside. A few people were milling around, eating pizza and breadsticks. A couple was going hot and heavy on the couch, neither looked like Dan though so Phil pushed forward. He went down the hall and peeked into each of the bedrooms, thankful he only saw a few scattered people passed out on the floor and beds. He doubled back and headed into the kitchen. That’s where he found a sock footed Dan sitting on the floor, holding his knees to his chest. 

 

“Bear?” Phil whispered. Dan’s head snapped up. His eyes had dark rings underneath and his blood vessels were shot. His hair had fully hobbited. For the first time, Phil saw what PJ was talking about. Dan was a scared little kid who had an unmanageable amount of fame pushed on him. Phil got close to Dan and helped him stand up. 

“What happened?” he asked fearfully. Dan had his head buried in Phil’s chest, holding onto his coat with white knuckle tightness. His delicate shoulders shook with sobs. 

 

“I think I hurt her?” Dan’s voice came. 

 

“What the fuck?” Phil pushed Dan back and looked at him. Dan was still drunk, high, and crying. Muttering incoherent apologies. 

 

“Oh, hey Phil. I thought that was you.” Jen’s voice came from the doorway. She looked cool as a cucumber with her arms crossed. 

 

“What the hell happened?” Phil snapped, using his rarely heard ‘grown up voice’. Very few people knew him outside of his ray of butterfly sunshine youtube persona. Turns out, Phil was a real person who was capable of real anger. 

 

“Nothing. My friend Quinn got a little handsy with your boy. He freaked out and headbutt her when she tried to french him. Quinn doesn’t understand boundaries or the fact that not everyone wants to sleep with her. But other than a bruised ego she’s fine.” Jen surveyed the couple. Phil was protectively holding Dan and Dan was staring blankly at a spot on the wall behind her. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure she doesn’t tell anyone on the internet.” 

 

“Thanks. Do you know where his shoes are?” Phil said softly. 

 

“He threw them out the window. Said they were haunted. Have a good night, Phil. Take care of him.” Jen left the room without another word. 

 

Phil led Dan down the stairs, explaining every few steps why his feet were cold. Maybe losing his favorite pair of shoes would be a decent lesson about running away and getting mixed up in weird parties. In the cab Phil buckled in himself and Dan. Dan curled himself into Phil’s side, comforted by the scent of his soulmate. 

 

“I’m sorry, Phil.” Dan mumbled. 

 

“I know.” Phil said flatly and planted a kiss on the younger man’s head. 

 

“No, really. I’m going to be better. I’m going to fix this. I’m going to fix us.” Dan was nearly crying again. “I don’t want to be this person anymore.” 

 

“Okay,” Phil sighed, extremely exhausted. 

 

“Where are we going, love?” Dan yawned. 

  
“Home, baby boy. We’re going back home.” 


End file.
